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Hurricane Survival Guide

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  • Hurricane Survival Guide

    I got this in an email today. Pretty funny!

    This is important stuff.....

    We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
    you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
    some radar blob out in the Atlantic and making two basic meteorological

    (1) There is no need to panic.
    (2) We could all be killed.

    Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in South Carolina. If
    you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
    to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
    Based on experience, we recommend that you follow this simple
    three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

    STEP 1. Buy enough food, beer, and bottled water to last your family
    for at least three days.
    STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
    STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

    Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
    sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in South Carolina.

    We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

    HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
    insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as
    long as your home meets two basic requirements:

    (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
    (2) It is located in Nebraska.

    Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Carolina, or any other
    area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
    companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because
    then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not
    why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll
    have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you
    an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
    At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since
    Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
    companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
    Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium,
    Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

    SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
    all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
    There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

    Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
    yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
    them yourself, they will fall off.

    Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
    get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
    your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

    Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
    and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
    will have to sell your house to pay for them.

    Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
    protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
    hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
    He lives in Nebraska.

    Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check
    your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
    furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw
    these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
    you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds
    will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

    EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
    evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
    low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "South
    Carolina," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an
    evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major
    storm hits.

    Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles
    from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as
    a bonus, you will not be lonely.

    HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
    supplies. Do not buy them now! South Carolina tradition requires that
    you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and
    get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of

    In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

    23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
    power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

    Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
    bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

    A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

    A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
    hurricane, but it looks cool.)

    A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
    anybody who went through Hugo. After the hurricane, there WILL be irate

    $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
    can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

    Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
    near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
    turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
    stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
    important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

    Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

    Hope y'all yankees enjoyed it too!

  • #2
    Follow me on Twitter!


    • #3


      • #4
        I think fly1346 needs to know this
        Takashi H

        J-Bird: JA8580, JA8581, JA8582, JA8583, JA8584, JA8585, JA8586, JA8587, JA8588, JA8589.


        • #5
          too funny....niiice!

          Click Here to view my aircraft photos at JetPhotos.Net!


          • #6
            I thought y'all'd like it!


            • #7
              LOL Who ever wrote that should write a book called: Worst Case Scenario guide to Hurricane Season
              You've got to try to find what's right before your eyes-Finger Eleven