Jokes...

[Leftseat86]

Some good ones from a joke thread we're having at tranceaddict.com...

3 people, a pollock, a chink, and a jap, are working on building an appartment building when the luch bell rings, the first guy,the chink, opens his lunch pail and he has chinese food, "Man do I ever hate chinese food" he says "If I get chinese food once more I'm gonna jump off the roof of this building" The second guy, the japanese guy, opens his lunch pail and he gets suishi, "Man do I ever hate suishi, if I ever get this for lunch again I'm gonna jump off the building with you" The Pollock opens his lunch pail and he gets peanut butter and jelly. "Man do I ever hate peanut butter and jelly, if I get this again I'm jumping off with you guys."
The next day the chinese guy opens his lunch pail, chinese food, he jumps off the building. The second gut opens his lunch pail, suishi, he jumps off. The pollock opens his and he gets peanut butter and jelly, and so he too jumps off.
They are all in the same funeral home and the wives are crying together, the first wife of the chinese guy says "If i had have known he didn't like chinese food I would've made him anything else all he had to do was ask" The japanese guys wife says" If i had've known he didn't like suishi I'd have given him anything else he just had to ask. The pollock's wife says "I don't understand, he always made his own lunch"

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A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home early, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "25 dollars."
Man: "Fine".

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
In the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "75 dollars."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "100 dollars."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, 100 dollars is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing
on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop!
Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of
the
Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you
Reformed
Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of
1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

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Three guys had recently died and were awaiting entrance into Heaven. But St. Peter appeared and informed them
that, unfortunately, Heaven was only allowing 33% of applicants in today, due to overpopulation.
So, only 1 of the 3 would be allowed in. Whomever died the worst death out of the three would be let in.

St. Peter took the first man aside in private, and let him tell his story:

"'For months I had been suspecting that my wife had been cheating on me. So, one day, I decided to leave home
from work early and try to catch her in the act. But when I arrived home, she was in the shower. Suspicious, I
searched the house for anybody. And then I found him: He was hanging off my 25th floor balcony hoping I wouldn't
see him! Fortunately, there was a hammer nearby and I bashed his fingers. He fell, but--the lucky bastard--he didn't die!
Outraged, I grabbed my refrigerator and chucked it down on him. It killed him instantly. But then I felt so bad about
it, I took a gun and killed myself."

St. Peter thought this was certainly a decent death, and took the second guy aside to hear his story:

"O.K. I live on the 27th floor of my apartment building, and I was out on my balcony getting some fresh air.
I yawned and took in a big stretch, and I lost my balance! I fell over the balcony, but--I was
so lucky--I managed to grab another room's balcony a couple of stories down. But then, for some reason, this
guy came out and bashed my hands with a hammer. I guess he was mad I was hanging off
his deck. Anyway, I fell about 25 stories down, but luckier still, I wasn't dead. But as I looked up, I saw
that a refrigerator was on its way down to bash me. That's how I died."

St. Peter thought this death was quite tragic, but still took the third guy aside to hear his story. The third guy started:
"Picture this. I'm hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."


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A rare female gorilla is brought to the zoo. She quickly becomes agitated after a few days. The zookeeper realizes she's in heat, but there are no male gorillas available. He approaches the redneck janitor and asks, "Would you have sex with this gorilla for 500 dollars?"

The redneck says, "On three conditions. One, I don't want to have to kiss her. Two, don't tell anyone about this."

The zookeeper asks about the third condition.

The redneck janitor says, "Well it'll take me about a week to come up with the 500 dollars."

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[FlyCharlestonSC]

Great!


Here's another:

There is an Egyptian, a Jew, and a Chinese person. They are bragging about their civilizations/religion.
Egyptian: My civilization was the best. Our calendar dates back three thousand of years. We also built the pyramids.
Chinese: Well my calendar goes back 4000 years and we built the great wall--the only man-made object that can be seen from space.
Jew: I'm not impressed! My calendar goes back over 5,000 years!
Chinese: 5,000 years, huh? Those extra thousand years....what did your people do for food?


( Have you ever been to a Chinese resteraunt on Christmas Eve? )

[Crazy764]

Chinese history dates back 5000 years, too....

Clovis' last joke...hilarious!

Here's one:

Disclaimer: mature subject...

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...

[FlyCharlestonSC]

Chinese history dates back 5000 years, too....

i dont remember the exact dates. on the jewish calendar its 5764

[Airbus_A320]

The last one and the 2nd one are the funniest

Will's is pretty funny too

[Crazy764]

Will's is pretty funny too

So you like naughty jokes, eh?

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

[indian airlines]

Here's one:

A guy returns home everyday and finds his wife naked at home. One day, he gets very irritated with the whole situation, so he tells his wife:

"Honey, I bet all the neighbors are getting an eyeful with this naked parade thing of yours. I've bought you so many nice clothes, why don't you wear them?"

"what nice clothes?"

"Here, I'll show you." He walks over to her closet and opens the door - "look, this green one here, this red one, this blue one, excuse me sir, this yellow one..."

[herpa2003]

There was a little boy who was trying to get some sleep one night, but he kept hearing strange noises from his parent's bedroom. The boy slowly walked to their room and opened the door. He saw his mother, on top of his dad, bouncing up and down. (The mother was Jenniffer Love Hewitt; the father was Clovis).

"What are you doing that for, mommy?" the little boy asked.

The mother, startled, sait, "I'm, umm, bouncing on top of your daddy to make his fat stomach go away."

The boy stood and thought for a moment and said, "Well, it won't work."

The mother asked, "Why is that?"

The boy answered- "Well, because every day after you go to work the lady next door comes in and blows him back up!"

[Leftseat86]

(The mother was Jenniffer Love Hewitt; the father was Clovis).

Word I'm feelin that...except I don't have a fat stomach. But any hottie is welcome to try and blow me one...

[assghanistan]

what do you call two mexicans, two chinese guys, and four black guys waiting in line?

a sprinkler system..........

spick spick chink chink nigga nigga nigga nigga........