Pilot Jokes...

[DeltaFlyer]

Ok..last week - I was working the gates and on an ATL bound flight the pilot comes up to get his paperwork. He asks me if I like bad jokes - I said sure so he started telling a few...here is a bit of his act..lol..

Why can't pilots contract the Bird Flu?
'cause they are pigs

Why can't f/a's contract the Bird Flu?
'cause it is a brain disease

What does a pilot do when a f/a starts banging on his hotel door at a layover point?
he gets out of bed and lets her out

[Star Alliance]

Here's an unrelated one-
How do you know if a USAF Fighter Pilot is at your party?
.
.
.
Don't worry, he'll tell you
CHeers,
A.M.

[JordanD]

Nah. That's how do you tell if any pilot is at your party.
It's gotta be true though.

[Crunk415balla]

[Genessee]

Y'all might be a redneck pilot if:

- Your stall warning plays "Dixie"
- Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints
- You think sectional charts should show trailer parks
- You've ever used moonshine as Avgas
- Your toothpick keeps poking the mike
- You've ever taxied around the airport drinking beer
- You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee
- You use a Purina feed sack as a windsock
- The side of your airplane has a sign advertising your septic tank service
- You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut
- Your refer to flying formation as "We got us a convoy"
- Your matched set of luggage is three grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly
- You've ever fueled your plane from a mason jar
- You've got a gun rack on the passenger window
- You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together
- Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from your landing gear
- You figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into the CG calculations
- You siphon gas from your tractor to put into your airplane
- You've never landed at an actual airport although you've been flying for years
- You've ground-looped after hitting a cow
- You consider anything over 100ft AGL to be high altitude flight
- There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere"
- There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left side
- You have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats
- You use your parachute to cover the plane
- You've ever landed on the main street of town to get a cup of coffee
- You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass
- You put hay in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold
- Your flight instructors day job is at the community sales barn
- There are grass stains on your propeller tips
- The FAA still thinks you live in your parents trailer
- Somewhere on your airplane, there's a "I'd rather be fishing" bumper sticker
- You navigate with you ADF tuned to exclusively country stations
- When you go to the airport cafe, they hand you bisquits and gravy instead of a menu
- You think that an ultra-light is a new sissy beer from Budwiser
- Just before the crash, everybody at the airport heard you say, "Hey y'all, Watch this"

[Chris@YYZ]

Y'all might be a redneck pilot if:

- Your stall warning plays "Dixie"
- Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints
- You think sectional charts should show trailer parks
- You've ever used moonshine as Avgas
- Your toothpick keeps poking the mike
- You've ever taxied around the airport drinking beer
- You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee
- You use a Purina feed sack as a windsock
- The side of your airplane has a sign advertising your septic tank service
- You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut
- Your refer to flying formation as "We got us a convoy"
- Your matched set of luggage is three grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly
- You've ever fueled your plane from a mason jar
- You've got a gun rack on the passenger window
- You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together
- Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from your landing gear
- You figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into the CG calculations
- You siphon gas from your tractor to put into your airplane
- You've never landed at an actual airport although you've been flying for years
- You've ground-looped after hitting a cow
- You consider anything over 100ft AGL to be high altitude flight
- There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere"
- There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left side
- You have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats
- You use your parachute to cover the plane
- You've ever landed on the main street of town to get a cup of coffee
- You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass
- You put hay in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold
- Your flight instructors day job is at the community sales barn
- There are grass stains on your propeller tips
- The FAA still thinks you live in your parents trailer
- Somewhere on your airplane, there's a "I'd rather be fishing" bumper sticker
- You navigate with you ADF tuned to exclusively country stations
- When you go to the airport cafe, they hand you bisquits and gravy instead of a menu
- You think that an ultra-light is a new sissy beer from Budwiser
- Just before the crash, everybody at the airport heard you say, "Hey y'all, Watch this"

ROFLMFAO

[Genessee]

There must be dozens of Far Side pilot jokes..

[scramjet]

There's this one Far Side comic that's really funny.
You can see the cockpit and the pilots from the outside and you can see some passengers faces through the windows.
Pilot: Damn! The low fuel light is on! We're all going to die!!! Nooooo!!!!! Oh wait, that's the intercom light.

The look on drawn on the passengers' faces is priceless.

[srbmod]

I prefer F/A jokes.....

How does an F/A like her eggs in the morning?

Unfertilized


What's the difference between a good F/A and a great F/A?

A good F/A will knock on the Captain's door to wake them up; a great one just rolls over.
Alternate version: A good one spits, a great one swallows

[JordanD]

A captain welcoming a new pilot: "Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do."

I know I'm pushing it with this one, but how do you stop an F/A from having an orgasm?




Push the F/A call button, she'll never come.
Please don't ban me.
How does a pilot know the aircraft is safely shut down at the gate?
Both the engines and the FO stop whining.

How do you know your date with a pilot is half way done?

When he says "enough about me, let's talk about aviation."

What's the purpose of the propeller?
To keep the pilot cool, just stop it and watch him sweat!

Not a pilot joke but
a man calls an airline at JFK and asks how long it takes to fly to BOS. The lady said "Just a minute Sir", then the guy said Thank You and hung up.