Guilt...

[herpa2003]

Had a bad day today and can't help but feel somewhat guilty/remorseful. At my church on previous Sundays there had been a young man, looked about 18 or 19 years old, who appeared to be really struggling. He would frequently go up to the altar at the beginning of the church service (even before the altar call) and pray, and it seemed as if people always brushed him off as just another troubled youth. I admit that I at first had the same reaction, but as time went on I grew more and more interested in helping this guy out. I said hi to him a few times, and I wanted to talk to him about some of the troubles that he was having but I never got the courage to ask someone, a complete stranger, if there was any way in which I could help him.

Well, it turns out that this week he went missing. Search parties were sent out, and today he was found dead after a self-afflicted gunshot wound. I can't help but feel that if I had been strong enough to talk to him when I felt my heart calling me to that maybe this whole thing could have been avoided.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Is there any way for me to escape this constant guilt that I feel now?

[ACman]

You are no way at fault for this. All he was is a troubled soul and if he really did belive in God hes definitly in a better place, probibly happy that you wanted to help out.

People will be what the are and they are what they will be.

Its hard to really say if you had of reached out to him and helped if it could ave saved him, often people that are suicidal will do it no matter what if someone reaches out to them or not. Sad thing to see this, but I dont think your at fault or guilty for his death.

I had not directly been in the same situation, but when I was four my cousin commited suicide and they did not find his remains till 2004. He was suicudal and on medication, but switched to another drug which caused him problems.

[Messerschmitt Man]

Your playing the "what if" card. I did for a while when I got my speeding fine, "what if I left home 5 minutes later", "what if I took a different road" etc etc.

Life's no fairy tale unfortunately. Although there is almost no justification for suicide, what's done is done and I'm certain he's in a much better space now.


Don't feel guilty, either way the guilt you have will fade over time.

[screaming_emu]

I had a sort of similar situation once. I went to a pretty small high school. Everybody knew everybody else, no matter what grade they were in. There was one kid a grade lower than mine named Johnny. He was manic depressive. Sometimes he'd be a really nice guy, sometimes he would be talking about wanting to get a gun and shoot people. It wasn't really well known that he had the problem he did, most peope just thought he was strange. And being immature high schoolers, he got made fun of a lot. By myself included.

An example of how unpredictable he was happened on a trip I made to Romania. Being brought up Catholic, my parents wanted me to be confirmed. At the time, I didn't really care whether I was or not, so to make them happy, I went through the class. Our church (on a small army base in southern Germany) supported a few orphanages in Romania (www.handsthathelp.org). The whole confirmation class (the guy I'm talking about included) took a trip to Romania. We brought with us trailers upon trailers of supplies. Everything from food to clothes, to even a washer and dryer.

So the day after we got to the first orphanage, we were helping to unload the trailers. I specifically remember we were unloading huge bags of rice. We had sort of a line of people going on where we passed the supplies down the line, all the way down to the basement..which is where we were.

There was a break in the supplies, so me and a friend, were bored. The basement had a high ceiling, and out of boredom, we were jumping up to try to touch it. Johnny tried to do it, but he happened to be standing in a doorway. He hit his head really hard. After we made sure he was ok (he was) we were laughing pretty hard. I would expect people to do the same if I did something like that, but apparently he didn't appreciate that fact. So once the supplies started coming, we went back to work. I was holding a huge bag of rice when suddenly from behind, he attacked me. He got a couple quick blows to the head in before my friend was able to wrestle him off me. I had absolutely no idea it was coming and have never seen so much blood in my life...especially from myself.

Anyway, needless to say, after that he wasn't exactly my best friend. We had a couple times when we almost went at it. He knew that if I wouldn't have been sucker punched that the scuffle would have ended up completely different, so things didn't escalate into another fight. But I did pick on him a lot.

One day in in 10th grade English class, one of my classmates had to use the restroom. He quickly rushed back into the classroom and told the teacher that Johnny was on the floor in the bathroom vomiting. He had tried to kill himself by taking a bunch of pills. Now before Johnny and I had our differences, we occasionally worked together at the base grocery store, bagging groceries. There were a couple times he wanted to hang out, or have me come over to his place to chill, but because he was "a bit strange" I always came up with reasons not to.

Thankfully, Johnny wasn't successful in his suicide attempt. He and his family moved back to the US a while later so that he could get the help he needed. Our base was tiny and didn't have the facililties to help him. But it did make me rethink how I live my life. Maybe if I would have become one of his friends (he didn't have many) he could have avoided what happened. Or maybe if I would have taken the moral high road after the incident in Romania that could have helped.

None the less, hindsight is 20/20. No use in beating yourself up for things that you should have, or could have done. All you can do is learn from the past and try to better your life for the next time something similar might occur.

That being said, even if it sounds a bit corny, sometimes people just need someone to talk to. So if anybody on here, even if we've had our differences in the past, ever feels like they need to talk to somebody, feel free to IM me on messenger.

[janni-chan]

the thing is, even if you DID talk to him, he'd still have done this... I KNOW this, because I've been that far out (thankfully, I never succeeded in actually finishing myself off), and I certainly didn't listen to anyone...

But I also know that guilt feeling... been there many times (only with relationships that didn't work out, animals that died from me and etc- but it's still a horrible feelings), and in time, it gets better... with a severe case like yours, I do recommend seeing a therapist though if it doesn't get better... it does help and it's not only for people who're "nuts" (hell, my brother went to one when I had problems... he really couldn't stand seeing me that way)

And really, even if you did talk to him, I'm pretty sure he had already made his mind up.... people who kill themselves don't understand that someone cares (even though it IS evident), that people won't be happy when they leave and that the world won't be a better place when they're gone... because they really BELIEVE these things, and not even their own family can tell them otherwise...

Trust me, I went through 2 years of intensive therapy to get those thoughts out of my head and I was drugged for 4 years straight- if you want to blame anyone, blame the social security system for not seeing this guy and putting him in a hospital where he could get the help he needed right away...

[TAP-A343]

I think that Janni, summarised very well a person's situation with suicidal thoughts.

It is my opinion that in those situations only professional people can help usually with anti-depressants and therapy and in severe situations people have to be put in hospital with 24-hour surveillance.

I believe that the only thing that family and friends in this extreme situations can do is to find the best professionals they know for these cases.

I used to work for a company with 700+ employees that was in a process of restructuring and laying-off many people. In a time period of less than 6 months two male workers committed suicide. One of them hanged himself in the main vault room of the company and the other threw himself under a moving train in a train station.

I only knew the guy who threw himself under the train. He was in his late 40's, married with a teenage son. He was diagnosed with depression by the company's doctors and was given a 2-week sick leave. He commited suicide during this period. In this case, I would blame in a way the company's doctors for not realising the seriousness of his depression, although they were only GP's and also his family, although they were, from what I heard, uneducated people for whom depression was something like a sign of weak character!

Having said that, I think you, herpa2003, couldn't have done much, if anything, in this situation. You hardly knew the guy, I presume you're not a professional in mental diseases so I really don't see how you could have been able to put him in a hospital because that was what he most probably needed.

You shouldn't feel guilty, just pray that his soul will rest in peace eternally.

Cheers.