Tweet
On a flight:
*Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"
*Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.
*Call the stewardess "nurse".
*Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."
*Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
*Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
*Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.
*Continually offer to share your "Beano".
*Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
*Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.
*Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.
*Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
*Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.
*Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.
*Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."
*Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
*Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
*Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"
While driving:
*Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
*Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
*Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
*Two words: Chicken suit.
*Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
*Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
*Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
*Stop at the green lights.
*Go at the red ones.
*Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
*Eat food that requires silverware.
*Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
*At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
*Honk frequently without motivation.
*Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
*At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
*Let pedestrians know who's boss.
*Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
*Restart your car at every stop light.
*Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
*Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
*Keep at least five cats in the car.
*Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
*If a fire truck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
*Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
*Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
*Stop and collect road kill.
*Stop and pray for road kill.
*Stop and cook road kill. (If in Tennessee.)
*Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
*Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
*Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
*Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
*Sing without having the radio on.
*At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
And a final joke to end it:
A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a
practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the road.
He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."
And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
sorry if these have already been posted i looked and couldn't find them so i went ahead and posted them
-Chris
*Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"
*Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.
*Call the stewardess "nurse".
*Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."
*Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
*Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
*Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.
*Continually offer to share your "Beano".
*Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
*Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.
*Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.
*Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
*Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.
*Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.
*Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."
*Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
*Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
*Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"
While driving:
*Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
*Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
*Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
*Two words: Chicken suit.
*Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
*Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
*Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
*Stop at the green lights.
*Go at the red ones.
*Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
*Eat food that requires silverware.
*Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
*At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
*Honk frequently without motivation.
*Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
*At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
*Let pedestrians know who's boss.
*Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
*Restart your car at every stop light.
*Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
*Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
*Keep at least five cats in the car.
*Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
*If a fire truck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
*Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
*Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
*Stop and collect road kill.
*Stop and pray for road kill.
*Stop and cook road kill. (If in Tennessee.)
*Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
*Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
*Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
*Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
*Sing without having the radio on.
*At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
And a final joke to end it:
A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a
practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the road.
He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."
And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
sorry if these have already been posted i looked and couldn't find them so i went ahead and posted them
-Chris