Joke Thread

[z740]

All right I'm bored so I though I would start a thread to cheer me up a little. If anyone's got a good joke here's the place to post it. I'll get the ball rolling with this one:

You Might Be A High Tech Redneck If...

Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."
You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
You wire your network with jumper cables.
Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver
Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."
Your yard is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.
Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" disk drive.
You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.
Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.
You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow boxes are a hoot.

-Chris

[Crunk415balla]

Once upon a time there was a young man named Jordan. Jordan was walking through SDF's gay district, as he does every thursday night, when something caught his eye. It was a suckubus. For several months she had sucked Jordan dry of everything but his semen. It seemed Jordan was going to spend the rest of his life slaving over a suckubus eating nothing but Popeye's Chicken and Coleslaw. But luckily for him, Steve would rescue him. Late at night, Steve came riding in on horseback with his white ghost nights. They lassoed the suckubus and strung her to a tree like a pinata. Jordan hopped on a horse named Barbo and rode to Seattle, only stoping for UPS 763s flying overhead looking for the reg, and the occasional bug on the carpet. When he got to Seattle, Jordan and PeeBee were wed and danced on webcams dressed as firemen for the rest of their days.

The end.

[DAIRD]

A circus was in town. Last audience before the winter comes. Usually as on all last shows a 10000 $ prize was offered to the person who could make the elephant nod his had up and down. Long queue of people was lined up, hundreds tried, but all failed.
Finally a little old man appeared, walked over to the elephant and grabbed him by the balls. The elephant trumpeted and throwing his had up and down.
Circus director is not amused, but he has to give the old man the 10000 $ prize.
Next year, same town, last audience and the the usual contest. Now with qualified rules: "...the elephant must not be touched aft of the ears and a little more difficult: the elephant has to nod up and down his had and it must also shake his had from side to side!"
And the prize offered was now 20000$.
As the years ago, again a long queue was lined up to the elephant, all of the the people tried and all of them failed. Suddenly, the same old man from last year appeared on the scene, walked over to the elephant. Silence dominates the arena when the little old man asked the elephant: "Do you remember me?" The elephant shooks his head up and down.
"Do you want me to do to you what I did last year?"
The elephant fiercely shook his head from side to side....

[turbotraker]

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying.

The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks.

The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."

The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his penis. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal"......

[ASpilot2be]

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

[JordanD]

"Signs that direct you to a destination are called.... and are you ready for this?....



DESTINATION SIGNS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!"

[Crism]

George Bush.

[ATrude777]

George Bush.

"people that are racist and judge people in any shape or form"
-Crism


Alex

[brianw999]

Little Johnny's mum and dad are at the breakfast table. Johnny's brother, David is also there.

Johnny comes in and mum asks "What would like for breakfast Johnny ?"

"I'll have some f.....g cornflakes please" says Johnny.

Dad rears up, smacks Johnny around the ear, sending him flying across the room and says..." Don't you dare say that to your mother"

Mum asks David what he'd like for breakfast.

After a pause for thought David answers....."Well, I'd be a c..t if I asked for cornflakes !"

[Crunk415balla]

Jordan.

"OH MY GOD MY CRAP CLOGGED THE TOILET AND ITS OVERFLOWING EVERYWHERE! I GOTTA MOP IT UP WITH MY TOWELS!"-Jordan Duncan.

[DAIRD]

"What's the size of a penguin?"
"A penguin? Don't know... 4 feet...?"
"Not more?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Then I have ran down a nun with my car...."

[avro_arrow_25206]

Jordan.

"OH MY GOD MY CRAP CLOGGED THE TOILET AND ITS OVERFLOWING EVERYWHERE! I GOTTA MOP IT UP WITH MY TOWELS!"-Jordan Duncan.

Gotta love those low-flow toilets

[Star Alliance]

Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub.
The one says to the other, "Can you pass the soap?"
The other says, "What do I look like, your typewriter!?"

-OR-
Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub.
One says to the other, "Can you pass the soap?"
The other says, "No soap...Radio?"

[turbotraker]

I am sat here at work with NOTHING to do!!! We getting paid for doing nothing, so here goes ( I got another 7 hours of doing nothing):

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

To which the Kuwaiti woman replied: "Land mines."

[DAIRD]

Two guys found three hand grenades in a field. After short discussion they agreed to take them to the police.
While walking to the village, Otto said to Fritz: "What if one of those f*****
things goes off?"
"If it happens we just tell the police we only found two!"