Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

SmartAss answers..

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • SmartAss answers..

    SMARTASS ANSWERS 2008

    The last one is a worthy winner.



    6th Place

    It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
    'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
    'What are my choices?' the man asked.
    'Yes or no,' she replied.






    5th Place


    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
    As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
    Without blinking an eyelid she said,
    'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'





    4th Place


    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
    She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
    The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'





    3rd Place


    The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
    'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
    The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
    When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.





    2nd Place


    A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
    A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
    Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
    Cars are backed up for miles.
    Finally, a police car comes up.

    The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
    And said to the driver,
    'Got stuck, eh?'
    The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'





    SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008


    A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
    'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
    I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
    A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
    'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
    When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

    'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
    If it 'ain't broken........ Don't try to mend it !


  • #2
    Must have been fun finding those. Or did they all come off one website?

    Comment


    • #3


      ... and a worthy winner.



      All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last (Marcel Proust)

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by EconomyClass View Post
        Must have been fun finding those. Or did they all come off one website?
        Came by email...not sure where they originated.
        If it 'ain't broken........ Don't try to mend it !

        Comment


        • #5
          To the winner....
          A portuguese photojournalist living in Brazil.

          Comment


          • #6
            haha the winning one is brilliant!

            Comment


            • #7
              Last week, while I was driving with my NBC through a small village, a van (MB Sprinter) spoiled my way. The driver had to wait, because of parking cars standing on his side of the street an he had to let me pass first. But he sped up and I had to stop him, before he bumped into my car. After "complicating steering" and slowly driving backwards on the boardwalk (so I let him wait for endless seconds until I finished...), I turned down the window.
              "Wanna stress?" the driver asked angrily.
              "No, Sir" I replied. " But do me a favour: If you have to drive like a woman, then get dressed as one...."


              get FRA spotting informations here:
              www.Frankfurt-Aviation-Friends.eu

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by DAIRD View Post
                Last week, while I was driving with my NBC through a small village, a van (MB Sprinter) spoiled my way. The driver had to wait, because of parking cars standing on his side of the street an he had to let me pass first. But he sped up and I had to stop him, before he bumped into my car. After "complicating steering" and slowly driving backwards on the boardwalk (so I let him wait for endless seconds until I finished...), I turned down the window.
                "Wanna stress?" the driver asked angrily.
                "No, Sir" I replied. " But do me a favour: If you have to drive like a woman, then get dressed as one...."
                ... and now you have a black eye?



                All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last (Marcel Proust)

                Comment


                • #9
                  No. No goggles. No missing teeth. But a good laugh. If there's anybody who acts as a fool, I'll sure having some answers to address....

                  Standing in the line-up in a supermarket. A long queue, waiting to get to the cashier. A woman, one of the sort who never has time enough, phone on one ear, bumping the lorry in my legs.
                  "Is this the end of that line?" she asks.
                  "No it's the beginning. We're all facing backwards!"


                  get FRA spotting informations here:
                  www.Frankfurt-Aviation-Friends.eu

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I am a man of, shall we say..."certain proportions".

                    As such I sometimes get called "fat bastard".

                    My simple response ?......

                    "Yes, I am...but I'm on a diet. What's your cure for ugly bastard ?"
                    If it 'ain't broken........ Don't try to mend it !

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      . Loosing weight is easy. But changing from ugly to pretty...hmmm....

                      A drunken man vs. a woman:

                      "You're so ugly" the man says.
                      "And you are drunken!" the woman replies angry.
                      "Well, but tomorrow I'm sober. But you're still ugly..."


                      get FRA spotting informations here:
                      www.Frankfurt-Aviation-Friends.eu

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by DAIRD View Post
                        . Loosing weight is easy. But changing from ugly to pretty...hmmm....

                        A drunken man vs. a woman:

                        "You're so ugly" the man says.
                        "And you are drunken!" the woman replies angry.
                        "Well, but tomorrow I'm sober. But you're still ugly..."
                        A true "exchange of words" uttered by a famous man (except that "the woman" opened up the duel with "You're drunk...") - except for all Brits and those hailing from the (old) Commonwealth - who uttered that imortal line "Yes, but tomorrow I will be sober."
                        RobB

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by RobinB View Post
                          who uttered that imortal line "Yes, but tomorrow I will be sober."
                          I know! It's Sir...

                          Originally posted by RobinB View Post
                          except for those hailing from the (old) Commonwealth
                          Damn you!
                          For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            You mean "Sir roses of the liver" ? which could have applied in his case being fond of the odd dram
                            RobB

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              That was Winston Churchill...

                              ...who also came out with this famous put down when Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
                              If it 'ain't broken........ Don't try to mend it !

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X