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Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
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This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town. Go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where's mine?"
He said, "Huh, I thought you were out of town."
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Uncle John, who was in his eighties, went to live in a nursing home because of Alzheimers. I gave him a call to see if he was up for a visit. He said, "Sure come over about 2, and will you bring me a couple tubes of KY jelly. Oops, I got to go, I have a date. See you then."
I arrived and was walking down the hallway when Uncle John came out of a room with a lady on each arm. He introduced me to the ladies, then he and I walked to his room. I handed him the bag with the KY jelly, and I asked, "What do you use it for?"
"Well, my boy," He said to me with a wink. "This place has more pussy than I can shake my dick at."
I replied, "Oh Wow, Uncle John, I didn't know you could still do it at your age."
He looked at me in a strange way and said,
"Do what?"
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A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "By fur Miss?"
The teacher replies "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin Miss?"
The teacher replies..."Not quite right either, Peter...
anybody else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"
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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something with which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When s he returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $5,000.00 a month living expenses
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ... equipment? "
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged
to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl
said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her
boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200 then pick up the money very fast... he
won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal.
Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend
to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what
happened. She said, "The bastard used quarters.......!"
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it, and getting screwed.....
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With thanks to "Burmarrad" for brightening my day.
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