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Superglue fascist! Superglue fascist! Superglue fascist!

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  • Superglue fascist! Superglue fascist! Superglue fascist!

    Thought that'd get yer attention. Just been down the doctor's. Long story, so just steel yourself, pretend you enjoy written English and that you have a sense of humour even if Number Is Everything for you. So, where was I, yes, I was repairing the potato stomper which I got at Tesco's five years ago when banks were still honest. Ok, they weren't honest but everyone thought they were. Most folk think its called a potato masher, a thing with little holes that the potato is crushed and forced through when you STOMP it, but it isn't, its called a potato STOMPER, ok? But then, today, it was happily stomping potatoes when the metal plate with the little holes in came away from its plastic bracket. So I washed it and put it to drain dry and went and got a tube of superglue from the local hardware shop. Its OK, they know me in there. As I was fitting the little metal leg on the plate with little holes into the plastic bracket (becket?) a big glob of glue popped out and began to ooze down the outside of the plastic becket(bracket?). I stopped to rethink what I was doing, working now at the absolute limit of technical knowledge and ability. I began to look vaguely for a piece of something to wipe or scrape glue away with. Spotted a piece of rag asleep under my cat on the shelf above the bench. Committed to planning its acquisition. Actually got my fingers on it and was about to execute a Tommy Cooper* when the phone rang.


    Now I know some of you reading this will be tempted to snigger here, but just don't, see, do not laugh, grin, giggle, smile or otherwise allow unseemly, indeed, unmanly silliness to sully your stern aviationary demeanour. Remember who you are. Think Professional. Think Mature. Think Logic.


    No, not the landline, I had a landline in the outside workshop but my Aunty ate it. My mobile. My mobile in my pocket. Everything nearly went alright. It was going brilliantly. The rag stayed fast asleep as it flew, well above stalling speed, out from under the cat. I remembered to tilt the stomper so that the glob of glue could only roll away from my finger. But then the cat woke up, thought I was playing and clawed at my defenceless upside-down stomper-hand which I then jerked out of the way, inadvertently allowing my finger to contact the glue. With my other hand now grasping the rag, I was forced to place the stomper back on the bench and fish the phone out of my pocket with the remaining unglued fingers. Carefully, I pressed the little green phone symbol and placed the phone against my ear. Hello Mr Jingogunner, I'm Wendy Cole and I'm calling to tell you about something really special happening at Cornhall Insurance, which as you know is the biggest liar of motor insurance in the East of England. Can I ask if you've ever insured with us before?
    "Oh yes", I said, "weren't you people fined and ordered to refund money you'd screwed out of people by telling them lies or something last year?"
    I'm sure you must be getting us mixed up with someone else, we are very honest people, Mr Jingogunner.
    "Well, that's a shame, I only deal with liars as a matter of principle, they're much more honest than people who tell the truth oh BUGGER BUGGER DAM I've just glued my phone and my finger to my ear with superglue so please die."


    There was a long silence while Wendy Cole absorbed this new information. Then she began to talk again. I could not easily disconnect from the caller and I had to say: REMAIN SILENT DISCONNECT RING OFF GET OFF THE LINE GO AWAY STOP TALKING!
    She was still talking when I finally broke the connexion by giving myself a Chinese Ankle Hernia of the Wrist. My first thought was what was Mrs Jingogunner going to say. Mrs Jingogunner has witnessed this sort of thing before but has always had an apt and pithy commentary. No one likes to be laughed at, of course, but Mrs Jingogunner has become practiced in laughing gently, if thats any help. My second thought was that I would have to drive to the doctor's with my phone and one hand glued to my ear,- since engineering woud obviously be involved, I must necessarily go to the surgery which has the equipment to unglue me. What would happen if the police stopped me? Would people be staring at me when I got to the surgery? Perhaps I could get an ambulance to the hospital instead, more anonymous everyone knows me at the surgery, I've been going there for twenty five years. And then, in the stark silence of my confusion, horror and terror, the speaker from the front door bell chimed. I'd forgotten my business appointment with a chappie from some copywriting agency who thought, God help them, that I could write something for them. Not about consumer goods, unfortunately, because I would have had a lot to say about domestic hardware products. Nobody has ever paid me for writing about what I want to write about, nor do they laugh at my jokes, which is really rude, when you come to think about it.


    OK, just in case you're getting bored and don't want to hear what happened with my appointment and how I got to the surgery and what happened when I got there, I will wait until enough aviationarily positive individuals have expressed at least a little sardonic interest before continuing this narrative. Tune in the same time next week.


    *See Tommy Cooper on youTube

  • #2
    I'm very entertained. Do continue.

    Comment


    • #3
      Yes, please continue...

      Comment


      • #4
        Being "alliterate", as that Swiss Pole who lives in UK and is chumsy with The Queen ... , I had to stop and post on .... never mind but:

        so, we have a rag sleeping and a "Tommy Cooper" ??

        should I wait or continue? TFF
        Live, from a grassy knoll somewhere near you.

        Comment


        • #5
          This is the stupidest thing.

          I too came freshly back from the doctor (seriously), to have some stitches checked.

          Now, that said, I had to (honestly), stop right after "Auntie" for fear of ripping a stitch.



          I'll try tomorrow.
          Live, from a grassy knoll somewhere near you.

          Comment


          • #6
            Loving it.

            I get called to jobs like this. Very difficult to keep a straight face while acting professionally.
            If it 'ain't broken........ Don't try to mend it !

            Comment


            • #7
              The surgeon knows you since the 80's? Now, is that a good thing (maybe he's your friend now) or is this a bad thing.
              Me personally has never bought one tube (no, not youtube) of superglue, which is the truth. Especially the combination of superglue with a cute animal such as a cat today is still suspicious to me...
              If you allow me to, I'll stay online until you continue.
              "Today, we stop shouting." yes. Finally! I love it.
              The Gold Member in the 747 club, 50 years since the first LH 747.
              And constantly advanced, 744 and 748 /w upper and lower EICAS.
              Aviation enthusiast, since more than 35 years with home airport EDDL.

              Comment


              • #8
                Dr Patel

                Originally posted by LH-B744 View Post
                The surgeon knows you since the 80's? Now, is that a good thing (maybe he's your friend now) or is this a bad thing.
                .
                No, Mr LH-B747, it was the Doctor I was thinking to visit, not the surgeon, The Surgeon is a chap I met last time I was in hospital, long ago, a man I feared I might again have to see about this embarrasing mobile connection. Dr Patel has been my doctor for many years,and once she said to me, "You know Mr Jingogunnner, you've been a patient of mine for over ten years now!" and I unthinkingly replied, "Oh, thats great news! Lets get married!"
                Dr Patel exclaimed irritably: "I don't vant to marry you!" So, although I much prefer seeing Dr Patel to seeing a Surgeon, who is bound to be at least equally as humourless, I always have to wonder if she thinks I might still like to marry her. Because if she does and that gets back to Mrs J, then we would have a contumely on our hands, would we not?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Facist Superglue 2

                  Right then, where was I? OK, the door chimer. So I boldly marched with one hand to my ear out of the shed and down the path and over the twee little ornamental bridge, over the twee little ornamental goldfish pond, all the absent Mrs J's work, (visiting her sister in Shropshire, sad, really, because she would not have been confused, she would have advised and controlled this incident to a successfull and speedy outcome) and into the house, through the utility room, through the kitchen, down the corridor, through the hall to the front door wondering all the way what an earth I was going to say to my Agency chappie. If anyone reading this can think of something I could have said, please advise me. But just as I opened the door, my mobile phone rang.


                  When some people get confused their eyes roll up and then these little black and white numbers start to scroll backwards where their eyballs used to be when they were sure about reality, you know, before the control column unseated itself and the PFD went completely blank, before bothe turbines failed simultaneously . . .
                  But not Mr Jingogunner because he's always been confused. Ran out of Number whilst still a youth. Relaxed and fatalistic, now, I opened the door.


                  It was my oldest son, Jasper. "Hello, Jasper," I said, thrilled and delighted to see him for once. He was wearing a lilac and black pinstriped shirt and looked, as always, very smartly turned out in an extreme sort of way. He did not answer me. His back was half turned to me. His right hand was connected to his right ear, like mine. That was lucky. Him being on his phone, I mean, or even if he had coincidentally been superglued to his phone as well, it would have still been lucky. I did not know at that stage, whether or not in fact his hand was actually glued to his ear, or whether it was just habit. I made a mental note to ask him exactly that soon. But for now, my own phone was ringing and I was faced with another terrible Command Decision. Did I initiate another CAHW* and silence this troublesome device, or should I press the little green phone icon and answer? What if it was Wendy Cole's mate, Brenda Wise (British Gas)? Or, maybe it was something positive, a tax refund, a lottery win, a contract offer from CDP? Its all very well to scoff as you speed down the runway and soar into the blue yonder, professionally secure, Numerate, cognitive, competent, respected - maybe you can, without a qualm, switch your mobile off when it rings, secure in the knowledge that you are financially secure in a top profession, with friendly personal greetings from senior bank staff whenever you need to conduct a little business. I've never had that, Good Morning Mr AJ, sir, can I lick your bottom please, oh hello Mr Brianw, so nice to see you, can I offer you some coffee, oh good afternoon Mr MCM, please sir, do spit in my hat, oh thank you so much for visiting Mr Guamainiac, lovely to see you, do have some caviar. You will understand that, like most fingernail hangers-on to the bread and butter of life, I could not afford to ignore this call, although I was deeply worried that I would be unable to maintain my usual gentlemanly facade if, indeed, it was Flora Noakes from Virgin Media. Hannibal could easily Return.


                  Trembling with apprehension, I initiated the CAHW* and blipped the green telephone.
                  "Hello, Mr Jingogunner?"


                  But it wasn't Flora, it was Barry Binks from Barry Binks International, cancelling our 2pm appointment for today, and offering Thursday the 14th as his best guess as to when he would be out of hospital. "Hospital?"
                  "Yes, some bastard drove into me while she was yakketting away on her mobile phone. I broke my collar bone and cut my shoulder."
                  Jasper was now walking up and down on the front veranda, gesticulating and picking his nose with anxiety. I could hear words and phrases of his monologue. ..said you'd be there . . do you want to be . . .or not . . . room for wankers and wasters, . . . got paid no thanks to you. . .did without you then . . . do without you forever. Jasper is a control freak and those who Disobey are Punished. Mrs J still has the upper hand when he visits here, though.
                  "Well, so sorry to hear such bad luck, Mr Binks, of course the 14th will be fine. Mobiles can be very dangerous, I've found, especially with Superglue."
                  "What?"
                  "Look, I've got someone at the door, I'll have to call you back, or you can call me, but I look forward to seeing you same time on the 14th, bye now." CAHW*


                  Jasper was finishing his call. "What are you doing, dad?" he asked. Holly his partner was watching me from their car out in the driveway.
                  "Ah, Jasper, my boy, so glad to see you, please, won't you come in? "
                  "Thanks dad, but we're on at the Cornhall tonight and I've just sacked Ron again."
                  You will hear about Ron in later episodes, so start worrying soon. But for now, Jasper was returning money he borrowed some time ago and which I'd written off, - this was before they started to get successful. He was in a rush. He thrust the money at me and I managed to get it into my pocket, well quite easily managed, actually, (hehehehehe) and walked back to the car with him.
                  "I thought when I opened the door, Jasper, " I said, "that you might have superglued your phone to your ear, as I did just a few minutes ago. " Holly began to laugh. Jasper said "Look, Dad, I haven't got time for your jokes, OK?" and got into the car and began to drive round Mrs J's twee cupid in the circle and back down to the road. I stood there with my right hand against my ear watching Holly waving and laughing until they disappeared from sight behind the rhododendrons.


                  Say goodbye Holly, goodbye Jasper, altogether now! One, Two, Three, Goodbye Holly! Goodbye Jasper!


                  Stay tuned, Mr Jingogunner must now deal with the pressing issue of trying to phone Dr Patel, or, perhaps, of trying to seek advice from the hospital. And then, of either trying to drive one-handed to the Doctor's surgery or to the hospital, or of facing out the taxi driver trying to keep a straight face in his rear view mirror. Nobody likes being laughed at but everybody likes to laugh.


                  *CAHW = Chinese Ankle Hernia of the Wrist

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Professional Dispassion

                    Originally posted by brianw999 View Post
                    Loving it.

                    I get called to jobs like this. Very difficult to keep a straight face while acting professionally.
                    Oh absolutely, Mr brianw, striaght-faced impassivity has often saved my bacon, except that sometimes one struggles even when one's professional income is at stake. I would be fascinated to learn about the sort of incident that has happened to you in that respect, professionally. . . just a brief cue will do fine.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Two involving superglue, one that hadn't been cleaned off properly and one deliberate.

                      1. Husband to wife "I've fixed the toilet seat dear"
                      Wife.."OK, thanks. Just going for a wee"

                      .......we got the call about 20 minutes later !



                      2. Bus driver chased kids off of his one man operated bus when he got back from a mealbreak. Started engine, put hands on steering wheel and........

                      .......we needed a fire crew with a big adjustable spanner to take off the steering wheel along with the attached driver !
                      If it 'ain't broken........ Don't try to mend it !

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Great stuff!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by brianw999 View Post
                          Two involving superglue, one that hadn't been cleaned off properly and one deliberate.

                          1. Husband to wife "I've fixed the toilet seat dear"
                          Wife.."OK, thanks. Just going for a wee"

                          .......we got the call about 20 minutes later !



                          2. Bus driver chased kids off of his one man operated bus when he got back from a mealbreak. Started engine, put hands on steering wheel and........

                          .......we needed a fire crew with a big adjustable spanner to take off the steering wheel along with the attached driver !
                          I'm still not sure which was the intentional one... I would not be surprised if... well..., nah!

                          --- Judge what is said by the merits of what is said, not by the credentials of who said it. ---
                          --- Defend what you say with arguments, not by imposing your credentials ---

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by brianw999 View Post
                            Two involving superglue, one that hadn't been cleaned off properly and one deliberate.

                            1. Husband to wife "I've fixed the toilet seat dear"
                            Wife.."OK, thanks. Just going for a wee"

                            .......we got the call about 20 minutes later !



                            2. Bus driver chased kids off of his one man operated bus when he got back from a mealbreak. Started engine, put hands on steering wheel and........

                            .......we needed a fire crew with a big adjustable spanner to take off the steering wheel along with the attached driver !
                            Oh boy. Couldn't you get one of these lapel videocam thingys, Mr Brianw? I'm sure we'd all be very happy to chip for the cost. Many thanks for theTrueLife material, I treasure such stories, indeed I do.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Speculation

                              Originally posted by Gabriel View Post
                              I'm still not sure which was the intentional one... I would not be surprised if... well..., nah!
                              You can see why I value Speculation equally with Number, Mr Gabriel. Speculation can reveal all information and what is information without immagination? I prefer your immaginative interpretation, that the hubby might have been at least unconsciously, you know, in the Fruedian sense, allowing glue to remain on the seat. I can so easily imagine a man henpecked for twenty years and beginning to get confused by different types of reality. Oh yes. We can be certain that such things happen.

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