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Canadian Jokes (just for laughs, please take them lightly)

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  • Canadian Jokes (just for laughs, please take them lightly)

    And now, the jokes (appealing to a spirit of brotherhood, please don't flame me!!! )

    A Newfie Joke

    A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St, Johns. A Mainlander applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

    Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Mike and said, "Thank you for your interest, Mike, but we've decided to give the Mainlander the job."

    "And why would you be doing that? asked Mike. "We both got
    9 questions correct. This bein' the rock and me being a Newfie, I should get the jab!"

    "We have made our decision, not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the manager.

    "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" answers Mike.

    "Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the Mainlander putdown, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Needer do I.'"


    After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


    A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

    "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."


    An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

    "Sure it's easy," replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

    The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"


    Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

    The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.


    In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.


    One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
    The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
    The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"


    A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

    "Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.


    An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

    "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

    "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

    "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

    A Colombian guy moved by the winds of fate to St. Louis, MO

  • #2
    Canadian Joke # 3 is simply amazing. I couldn't stop laughing after reading the "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur ?"


    • #3
      Stop it!
      You're bringing a tear of pride to my eye.
      If I can think of a couple of my own, I'll put 'em up.

      Problem is, most of our jokes are at the Americans' expense. So c'mon Yanks, now's your chance.
      An exhaustive and cross-referenced database of world airline and airport websites. Photos
      Airliner photos from Toronto's YYZ.


      • #4

        Number 3!

        Will F.
        Photos: JetPhotos.Net | | General Photography


        • #5
          #8! Soooo true!!! Hahahaha
          My Flickr Pictures! Click Me!


          • #6
            Good jokes. I'll drop them on my bosses desk and see if he has any sense of humour (we don't think so).


            • #7
              ALL !!!
              Thanks for visiting
              *Avimage's Monthly Slide list *


              • #8
                "Canada is like a lost apartment above a really great party"
                -Robin Williams


                • #9
                  Originally posted by chrisburns
                  "Canada is like a loft apartment above a really great party"
                  -Robin Williams
                  I love that quote.

                  #8 is hilarious.


                  • #10
                    From The Simpsons (Toronto episode):

                    "Canada? Why leave America to visit America Junior?"

                    While at the top of the CN Tower:

                    Bart: I'm a 10 year old boy in Toronto, I should be the happiest kid in the world, but I can't stop thinking about that girl.

                    Tower employe: Oh, you'll win her back eh, and b) we're closing in five minutes.


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by CanadianDC10
                      Bart: I'm a 10 year old boy in Toronto, I should be the happiest kid in the world, but I can't stop thinking about that girl.

                      Tower employe: Oh, you'll win her back eh, and b) we're closing in five minutes.
                      Homer: Here's a dollar.

                      Employee: Wow, American currency! What time would you like your breakfast, sir?


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by SWA733Captain
                        Originally posted by CanadianDC10
                        Bart: I'm a 10 year old boy in Toronto, I should be the happiest kid in the world, but I can't stop thinking about that girl.

                        Tower employe: Oh, you'll win her back eh, and b) we're closing in five minutes.
                        Homer: Here's a dollar.

                        Employee: Wow, American currency! What time would you like your breakfast, sir?
                        **don't know what they said after Employee: Wow, American currency! What time would you like your breakfast, sir?

                        # 1 and 8 are the best!

                        ***My Blog***


                        • #13
                          Now, to revive this inflammatory thread ( ), more Canadian Jokes:

                          An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
                          and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to

                          The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
                          a conversation.

                          Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

                          American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

                          Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
                          we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
                          recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
                          America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

                          The American listens in silence.

                          The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

                          American: "Of Course."

                          Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
                          "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
                          we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
                          recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to

                          The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

                          Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big

                          American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
                          used them?"

                          Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

                          American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
                          recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
                          to Canada."

                          TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
                          1. Weed
                          2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
                          3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
                          4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
                          5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
                          6. A university with a nude beach
                          7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
                          8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
                          9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
                          10. Cannabis

                          TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
                          1. Big Rock
                          2. Preston Manning
                          3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
                          4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4
                          5. Flames vs. Oilers
                          6. Stamps vs. Eskies
                          7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
                          8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
                          9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia
                          10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get
                          away with it

                          TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATEWAN
                          1. You never run out of wheat
                          2. Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats
                          3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
                          4. Your province is really easy to draw
                          5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a
                          6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
                          7. YOUR Roughriders survived
                          8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
                          9. People will assume you live on a farm
                          10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense

                          TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
                          1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront
                          2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
                          3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
                          4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal
                          5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
                          6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
                          7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
                          8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
                          9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even
                          when you cut someone off
                          10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by

                          TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
                          1. You live in the center of the universe
                          2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
                          3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
                          4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist
                          5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
                          6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly
                          believe it's a cool city
                          7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
                          8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV
                          for a dollar
                          9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of
                          your house
                          10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein

                          TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
                          1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
                          2. Racism is socially acceptable
                          3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
                          4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor
                          will move out next
                          5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
                          6. The FLQ
                          7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
                          8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
                          9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
                          10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"

                          TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
                          1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken celtic
                          2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your
                          3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
                          4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
                          5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario
                          motorists to Boston
                          6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
                          7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
                          8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
                          9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
                          10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no

                          TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
                          1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ...
                          by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
                          2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
                          3. Everyone is a fiddle player
                          4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick
                          their ass
                          5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
                          6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest
                          land mammal
                          7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
                          8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to
                          wear a kilt
                          9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
                          10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is
                          considered Canada's most beautiful city

                          TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
                          1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still
                          got the big-ass bridge
                          2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
                          3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
                          4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
                          5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
                          6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then
                          promptly leave
                          7. You can drive across the the province in two minutes
                          8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
                          9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone
                          for that matter
                          10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off
                          at night

                          TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
                          1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
                          2. If Quebec Seperates, you will float off to sea
                          3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make
                          them kiss a dead cod
                          4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related
                          5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
                          6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
                          7. The work day is about two hours long
                          8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the
                          solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
                          9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed
                          to kick their ass
                          10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your
                          wedding day

                          A Colombian guy moved by the winds of fate to St. Louis, MO


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Flying High
                            8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
                            Will F.
                            Photos: JetPhotos.Net | | General Photography


                            • #15
                              Oh, yes!!!

                              More jokes from "the True North, strong and free!!":

                              -Q: What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?
                              A: A canoe will tip.

                              -Q: Why do Canadians screw doggy-style?
                              A: So both can watch the hockey game.

                              -Q: What does a Goal Keeper and a Quebec girl have in common?
                              A: Both change their pads after three periods...

                              -How many newfees does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
                              2. One to hold the cookie, and one to squeeze the rabbit.

                              -What's the definition of a Canadian? - A disarmed American with health care...

                              -When a Canadian thinks of Hell...he wonders what the heating bill must be.

                              -An Ontarian, British Columbian and Newfee were on top of a cliff.

                              Suddenly, with a puff of smoke a genie appeared before them. The genie told the three men that if they jumped off the cliff, they'd land in whatever they yelled as they were jumping.

                              First to jump was the Ontarian. He accelerated towards the edge, jumped as far as he could whilst yelling 'MONEY!'. Sure enough, he landed in a mountain of cash and was filthy rich the rest of his life.

                              Next up was the British Columbian. He ran as fast as he could, jumped off the cliff and screamd, "GOLD!"
                              Sure enough, he landed in a huge pile of gold and was an instant Billionaire.

                              Then the Newfee ran as fast as he could, reached the edge of the cliff, tripped over a rock and screamed in pain as he fell downwards...


                              -Seeing 2 dogs doing the deed, the embarrassed Canadian teacher tried to explain this to her students. "You see, the dog on top hurt his paw, and the one on the bottom is taking him to the doctor."
                              "Oh, I see," said on of the students, "Just like in the US, try to help somebody and they screw you every time..."

                              -Why does a Canadian cross the road?
                              To get to the middle.

                              -What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
                              The taste.

                              -Why do Newfie dogs have flat noses?
                              From chasing parked cars.

                              A Colombian guy moved by the winds of fate to St. Louis, MO