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10 reasons not to exercise...
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about £400, Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
.................................................................................
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman"
.....................................................................
Subject: Best double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio:
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it
was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox
of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator -
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before
each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !!
What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because
they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11... Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by
himself.'
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about £400, Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
.................................................................................
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman"
.....................................................................
Subject: Best double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio:
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it
was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox
of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator -
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before
each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !!
What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because
they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11... Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by
himself.'
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